Cold Weather and Cold War Kids

Be Efficient and Integrate Basic Skills is the chapter heading in the book I should be reading for class tomorrow, but let's be honest writing is much more entertaining and writing as a form of procrastination is pure glory. So Routman and Language Arts can wait until tomorrow because the Cold War Kids refuse to be ignored. I recently downloaded several of their albums and "Skip the Charades" is a track that keeps on playing whenever I hit shuffle or hit up Pandora for sweet tune-age.

Cold weather was designed for Indie Rock. It offers a dreamy, melancholy vibe to accompany weaher that was meant for deep thought, snuggling up in a blanket, and slipping into a slight depression. A stanza from the aforementioned song snapped me out of studying to ponder life as I know it.

You dodged the bullet
You do your best when you're busiest
You're disconnected
You can't find your name in the script

These lyrics captured my attention because they aptly described my current state. I have always stayed incredibly busy to avoid the areas of my life that bum me out. I segment all aspects of my life and only connect with the ones that make me happy. I prefer to use the waffle analogy to better describe this sense of disconnect. When pouring syrup onto a waffle it sits neatly and separately in each square. This type of compartmentalization exists in me as it does in a syrupy waffle. I am completely disconnected from anything that makes me sad. It helps to keep busy because then I have less down time to think about areas that I have been avoiding.

I really have been feeling like a random character in this huge story of life with no relevance to the central plot. If I were included in the credits of a movie they would list me as Average Girl #23 and keep rolling. I am striving to find my purpose, my reason for existence, and I am struggling. I constantly feel as if I were floundering. I go through the motions and find happiness in the mundane, but part of me feels something is lacking, and I can't shut it up.

Weary is a great word to describe my current mentality. It has been twenty-five years of searching and my name is still missing from the script. I fade into the background and wonder how the lead characters must feel living out my dream roles. Relax, I am not depressed. I just want desperately to have the few simple things I long for: a teaching position that allows me to inspire students, a loving husband to snuggle and share sorrow with, my own children to drown in my abounding love, and a sense of purpose that lets me know I am making a difference. It is hard to feel impact-ful when I comde home to a stuffed animal and my unique gifts and talents are being used to make sandwiches. Frustration can't help but seep in and I begin to ponder where my life is headed and wonder if I will ever arrive.

Further into the song there is a lyric that says:

I'm the one that's acting like I'm so strong
You're the one that's acting like nothing's wrong

Can we skip the charades?
Just speak plain

I tend to act like everything is always hunky-dory (spelling?) and be the strong person who is never sad, tired, stressed, lonely, etc. That gets tiresome so I am using this post to speak plain and express my vulnerabilities. I am soaking up the solemn truths "Skip the Charades" has brought to life and going to bask in the melancholy for a few moments more. So I bid you goodbye and leave you with a slightly more uplifting song by The Features. Here are the lyrics to "Whatever Gets You By":

So here we are
It's like we never really left the start
Time heals the wound
But then there's still the scar
To remind us of the way it's meant to be

I'll sing a song
A melody for what has come and gone
Try to convince the choir to sing along
Here's to tomorrow
Or whatever gets you by
(emphasis added)