Solitude Doesn't Equal Sadness

Sunday evening I attended a service at my local church and was met with a sermon revolving around loneliness. Today I mistakenly borrowed a book from the library and instead of being the triumphant story of struggle and survival in Paris during WWII it was a depressing romantic novel about a woman who found herself on the verge of divorce and having no identity outside of her unfaithful husband. (Sidenote: check the author of the book b/c identically named books do exist haha) Recently being single has been a topic at large among friends and co-workers. People assume that without a significant other, my life must have no significance and therefore must be depressing, especially around Christmas time. This simply isn't true.

The truth is that people place too much stock in finding happiness in another person, activity, job, etc. The problem with looking outwardly for joy is that you will always be miserable. Happiness is something that comes from within and cannot be "found". Abraham Lincoln captured this truth with these words of wisdom, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

As a single woman my life is filled with purpose and significance because I choose to value myself and I don't require another person to validate my existence. There are too many things that provide joy in this world to waste our time being lonely and unhappy. So quit squandering all the magical moments around you and CHOOSE to be happy! Below is a list of things that make me smile and hopefully will inspire you to embrace the good in all situations:

1. Going to the movies by myself. One Sunday a month I select a couple movies that I really want to see and head to the theater. It is nice to get lost in a film and not worry about someone talking through the dialogue or compromising and seeing a movie that everyone will enjoy. Another benefit is that matinee movies are cheaper and there are fewer people so seat selection is endless.

2. Cartoons. SpongeBob SquarePants is one of my favorites, but there are so many great cartoons out there that are just plain silly and are hard not to reminisce about childhood with and giggle along.

3. BOOKS!! I didn't put this first because I write and talk about books all the time, but they are so magical. Anything revolving around WWI or WWII in Europe is intriguing to me. Some other great reads include: City of Thieves by David Benioff (re-reading it right now), Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins (there is no good stopping point it's so riveting), It's Not All Flowers and Sausages by Mrs. Mimi (sarcastic and witty, great for future and current teachers), and I Am American and So Can You by Stephen Colbert (what has he done that isn't funny).

4. Crosswords/Sudoku. Luckily for me my college campus has free USAToday newspapers in one of the dorms so I am provided crosswords daily. These two games are intellectually challenging and offer lots of random knowledge to interject into daily conversation.

5. Music. There are so many great songs out there. I have music playing whenever possible. A favorite past-time of mine is to listen to records. It is so relaxing especially in the winter curled up with a book or by a roaring fire or casually talking with a few close friends.

6. Drawing. I am not a great artist by any means but I really enjoy challenging my skills and working to improve them. I just purchased a book "642 Things to Draw" that has pages filled with empty boxes and different things to draw in each one.

7. Running. There is something peaceful about pounding the pavement and just getting my blood pumping. Plus it is just one more time I am able to listen to music.

8. Work. This is somewhere that I choose to find joy. I get to know the people I work with and spend my shifts working hard and cracking jokes. I take pride in my work ethic, but I also value those moments when playing practical jokes or laughing with a co-worker. I look forward to spending time with other employees and it makes the day go by faster.

9. Making someone else smile. There is nothing more joyous than being the reason someone is smiling. This feat can be accomplished in a variety of ways, play to your strengths. I achieve this goal by being goofy and doing nice things for others. It is as simple as asking someone about their day, donning a fake mustache, telling a lame joke (What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt 0 --> 8 get it?!?), paying for a friend's lunch, bringing candy to class, etc.

10. Counting my blessings. It is easy to become bogged down by the negative in our lives. Whenever I feel discouraged I take a few moments to consider all the positives and how lucky I truly am and then the negatives seem minute in comparison. I have a loving family and great friends. I am fully-functioning with no diseases. I have a roof over my head. I have a car and a job and I am in school pursuing my dreams.

So this Christmas focus on the things in your life that are great and find joy within and spread it to others. Who knows, if you aren't constantly whining and complaining about how lonely or miserable you are you might find time to be happy. And then you wouldn't need someone else to make you smile. Albert Einstein is another person who makes me happy so I will end with my favorite quote of his, "Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."

Ramblings of a Tuesday

The mood to write has struck and while I have the motivation I am lacking in the inspiration department so rambling is what occurs. This is my warning that any and most everything below will be pure silliness and mindless drivel...read at your own risk.

Fall semester is almost over (only 1 class remains) and I couldn't begin to describe my elation. I really enjoy school, but I am pretty excited to spend some quality time with the friends and family who fell by the wayside during my plummet into work and school. Oh and the books I will be able to read for pleasure, how I have missed those.

Now that I have an abundance of free time on my horizon I am dreaming of the exciting things I will do and I have decided to make a bucket list if you will for my winter break.

First and foremost I fancy a frisk at the Frist. (Nice alliteration, I'm aware). I have lived in Murfreesboro for six years now and have always wanted to spend a day at the Frist and now they have an Egyptian exhibit through January 9th so I am starting my list with this museum so close. I plan on making a full day of it and being super artsy. A pencil and sketchbook will accompany my Diana low-resolution camera for a day of hipster happiness. I can't wait!

After embodying my hipster side I will put my fake glasses away (but never my fake mustache because I love it so) and pull out my newest Duke shirt (it's super awesome and say 903 and Kounting to highlight Coach K's victory count that made him the winningest coach in division 1 basketball ousting his former coach, Bobby Knight, for the title) and some sweet nike shorts and my quilt. That means it's reading time!! I love to curl up in a giant blanket and get lost in a novel. There is a magical quality to reading when it is so cold outside, everything just feels cozier.

Next, and this is my favorite on the list, I will be traveling to the awful little town of Dyersburg. I am amped to see my family and a few close friends and of course peruse Walmart. Elijah, my nephew, is 18 months old and he will actually understand a little of the excitemen that accompanies this season. The Booski and I will go on several adventures together, of that I am sure. Also, my parent's home is the one place in this world where I laugh until I am crying on the regular. I am blessed with one of the goofiest and therefore most badass families around. SO while your family is getting all sentimental and crap, we will be taking pictures in jerseys in OTHER people's yards, having epic nerf gun battles, dressing up in all our clothes because it's Thursday, kicking ass in our band BLUR and just being awesome. (badassery depicted below)

Zombie Love Story (Part 2)

As he continues to look out of the treehouse, Jeff spots at least 18 death creatures clambering at the base of the tree, clawing at the bark and one another in their desperate struggle for his and Skyler's brains. Okay, I've got to think of a plan to get us out of this. Jeff attempts to psych himself up in hopes of developing a plan better than his current one, which is curl up in a ball and hope the rotting corpses will move on and forget about their little treehouse. He's getting frustrated and is about to give up when Sklyer says, "Dude, we might as well just hang ourselves and call it a day."

ROPE!! Suddenly Jeff remembers the 8 feet or so of rope that he carries in his pack. The plan begins to develop and fall into place. Jeff informs Skyler of his idea and they prepare to run for their lives.

PLAN:
Step 1: Throw everything in the tree house not needed into the large bay windows of the adjacent house
Step 2: Wait for zombie horde to be distracted by loud crashing sounds of glass
Step 3: Jump down from treehouse and sprint (essential word here) to the tree right beside the neighbor's fence
Step 4: Skyler scales the tree like a lumberjack (those 3 summers in Montana will definitely pay off now)
Step 5: Throw rope down to Jeff and pull him up into the tree
Step 6: Jump down on the other side of the fence and then quickly select a route of escape

What actually happened....
Steps 1-3: As planned
Step 4: So Skyler was a bit exaggeratory when describing his feats as a lumberjack. They go with option B which is Jeff stands at base of tree and makes a step with his hand and then hoists Skyler into the tree leaving them at step 5.

Jeff is frantically clawing at the base of the tree with his feet and Skyler is barely able to lift him more than a foot off the ground. Then Jeff sees the terror in Skyler's eyes as they grow wide and he drops Jeff's hand. Jeff takes one moment to turn around and sees three death creatures have strayed from the horde and are steps from him.


His only option is battle and luckily he is wearing his backpack still. Jeff grabs the baseball bat from the middle pocket and takes aim. He swings hard and connects with the first attacker's left side sending him staggering backwards. Jeff then slams the second death creature square in the jaw. It is akin to a slow motion action film as the death creature's jaw jerks upward and away and his front two teeth and a splatter of blood follow the arc of his jowls. Jeff jabs the third death creature in the ribs and gives himself a few seconds to bash in the brains of the toothless one before setting his sights back on the origin of assault.

The first death creature is shuffling forward and seemingly un-phased by the first hit. Jeff's second strike connects with the death creature's left leg just below the knee and does its job of breaking the tibia and fibula and sending the creature to the ground. Jeff immediately takes out his knife from his side pocket and drives the blade swiftly through the skull of the fallen death creature. Three properly placed cuts and Jeff turns in time to feel the impact of the remaining death creature's hands hitting him in the chest and see the horde moving in his direction.

There is nothing he can do now, he shoves the final death creature off with his bat and turns to throw Skyler his knife and pack when he feels the fibers of his rope graze past his arms and hears Skyler yell, "Hold on bro," as his feet fly from the ground and his thoughts are of Elise and how he'll never see her smile again. His face and neck crash into the branches of the tree above him. Before Jeff has time to think and assess his surroundings his body is once again being drug through branches but this time in a downward motion. As he connects with the sod he feels a shooting pain in his left arm.

He is scrambling to his feet as he realizes that his left arm is indeed broken and clasps it painfully to his side. Skyler is almost at full speed five feet in front of him as the rope connecting them begins to get taut. Jeff barely has time to wipe away the blood dripping into his right eye as he runs after Skyler. They dodge in and out of yards and through neighborhoods for several minutes before slowing to a pace slightly faster than a jog. They continue at this pace for thirty minutes when they finally reach the highway and Skyler collapses on the pavement panting for breath. We have escaped! Somehow! Jeff looks back and sees only an empty exit ramp and a highway littered with abandoned vehicles. He sighs in relief and begins to try and piece together what happened.

Apparently as the last death creature was about to make a snack out of Jeff, Skyler had a moment of brilliance and lassoed the rope around Jeff. He had already tied the rope around his own waist and it was the momentum of Skyler jumping from the tree that lifted Jeff's body out of danger just in time. Oh the beauty of a pulley system. Jeff began to assess his broken arm and lacerated face. He was glad to find no perforations of the skin in his arm and set to creating a makeshift splint. The cuts on his face had congealed and that was good enough for now.

Once the rope, bat and knife were safely secured back in Jeff's bag and his splint on, he and Skyler began to weave their way through the mass automobile graveyard and head toward Austin. Their late start and complications that morning had taken a considerable amount of time and it was almost noon. That meant they would need to quicken their pace to make up for lost time and hopefully reach the small town of Sunset Valley just outside of Austin by dusk.

If they accomplished that, then they would be able to do surveillance of Austin the next morning and spend several hours to determine a solid route through the city to the army outpost. That is if everything went according to plan and Jeff had a funny feeling that this morning wasn't the last encounter with death creatures he and Skyler would have for the day.

(to be continued...)

Zombie Love Story

Okay so let me preface by saying this is in it's very beginning stages meaning that I have written a first draft only and that is what you are about to read. I adore the show The Walking Dead on AMC about zombies and that inspired me to attempt (key word here) to write my own zombie story. Here goes:

"Silence!" Jeff angrily whispered in Skyler's general vicinity. It was impossible to tell where the shuffling was coming from, but Jeff could sense it was close. Skyler was more trouble than he was worth. Why did I agree to let him tag along? wondered Jeff as he attempted to slow down his racing heart.

(CLANG)

"Shit, he's done it now. Every zombie within two miles will be able to find our location," Jeff mumbled. He was on the move heading toward the sound and preparing exactly how he was going to tell off Skyler. As he cautiously inched around an abandoned station wagon he was pleasantly surprised to see Skyler's lean frame hovering over a freshly killed zombie. The clang had been from the shovel connecting with HWY 193 as Skyler drove it straight through his victim's left cheek, just below the eye socket. The cut had been clean, but it was abrupt enough to dislodge the left eye from its socket and it now dangled a few inches from the pavement hanging barley by one remaining tendon.

"Well done Skyler! Did you see any others?" Jeff asked glancing around. "Nah," Skyler said flippantly, still beaming from his latest manly feat. "You should've seen me Jeff!" Skyler proclaimed, "I killed 'em clean with one blow. A single blow man!" Jeff had never seen Skyler so vibrant and filled with life before. He smirked to himself as he felt a small sense of pride. After all, it was him who had shown Skyler where and how to strike for the most effective kill. Suddenly Jeff came back to the present and remembered the shuffling he had heard only moments ago. He motioned for Skyler to be still and turned his ear to where he had previously been.

He couldn't hear the shuffling anymore, but decided it was best to move forward immediately on the chance that the sound was from a death creature. And, he couldn't ignore the fact that the sun was only a couple hours from setting. He couldn't chance being on the open road in the dark. Skyler and he would be better off to find a place to make camp and get some rest for tomorrow's long journey. Tomorrow is when they headed to Austin. There was rumor of an old army outpost that had a large community of living. Austin was an 8 hour journey from where they were and they needed all the strength they had. Jeff chose first watch after they settled high in an abandoned tree house. Skyler was younger and needed more rest. As Skyler's breathing steadied and settled into a rhythm, Jeff began thinking of Florida and that vacation he took with Elise 2 summers ago. She had the most radiant green eyes and a smile that warmed his soul. Jeff felt a tinge of sadness and before a tear could well up he moved his thoughts toward the day he first laid eyes on Elise.

It was a cold November day. One where you walked a little briskly to pound the chill from your bones. A day when a slightly red nose and blowing warm breath into gloved hands was a unifier across socio-economic status, race and gender. Everyone felt the cold, everyone was the same in this way. Jeff was up early and halfway through his four mile trek to his job at the rubber factory. [He woke up every morning at 4:45am and began his routine. The coffee pot would be finishing up as he stepped from the steamy bathroom. He would sit and read the paper while sipping his coffee, strong and black, and watching the neighborhood slowly come to life. He would rinse his mug and hang it up before lacing his steel-toed boots and donning his Carhartt. South Dakota was a cold place to be in the fall.]

Normally, he took the route past the middle school and creek, but that was an extra half mile added to his journey and the chill in the air made Jeff select the route through downtown. He loved this winter route because the shop owners would be unlocking their stores and setting up as he cantered through the small square. His favorite shop was a bookstore tucked between the CVS and a furniture store. You might miss it unless you looked up and saw the neon sign situated in the second story window. It was simple and said only IMAGINE, but its soft blue glow made Jeff feel at home. The advantage of this route was the twenty or so extra minutes it allowed Jeff to peruse the bookstore.

He entered the door and climbed the creaky, wooden stairs to his haven on the second level. Mrs. Millie greeted him with a warm smile and soft hello, "Good morning Jeff. We've got some new books on WWII this weekend. One is even about the Holocaust. I saved them behind the counter so you could have first look." Mrs. Millie was kind but don't let her 88 year old exterior fool you, she was still quite spry. "Thank you Mrs. Millie. I brought you some of my teryaki beef jerky today," Jeff replied.

You see, Jeff and Mrs. Millie had an arrangement. She saved all the books related to WWII for him and once a month he brought her some of his deer jerky. Exactly how this arrangement came to pass is a story for another day.

Jeff made the trade and headed to his favorite chair to skim the selection and decide if any were worthy of purchase. As he sat down he noticed what appeared to be a heap of clothing on his left in the aisle related to literary classics. He turned and looked more closely at what he now recognized as a wiry young lady. She had dark brown curls that, caught just right in the light, had the slightest hint of auburn to them. She looked up and smiled and he was forever hers from that day forward. Jeff snapped out of his trance and returned the smile. She had on so many layers it was impossible to make out her figure beneath them. Jeff could care less as long as she always smiled at him with that smile that filled his soul to bursting. He couldn't speak or move, all he could do was bask in her radiance.

Finally, Jeff regained control of his limbs and forced his legs to stumble toward this bedraggled beauty. "Hi, my name's Jeff. Do you need any help finding anything?" he asked as he casually tried to lean against the shelf. "Actually, I'd love some and I'm Elise," she said with a voice almost as lovely as her smile. Suddenly the clock chimed 6:30am and Jeff snapped out of his daze and realizes he is going to be late for work. "Do you come here often Elise?" Jeff asks hurriedly regretting his lame word choice, "Meet me here next week at 3:45pm same day?!?" She laughs and replies, "Well, since you didn't leave me much choice I guess it's a date!" Jeff's body is lighter and he's floating down the steps and out the door as he takes one more glance over his shoulder to see Elise back in the floor humming and smiling as she scans the section he led her toward. She's even beautiful when lost in thought.

All day long at work, Jeff keeps reliving those precious moments. The week creeps along and it seems like decades pass before Thursday arrives again.

Thursday creeps along just as slowly and after suffering through several agonizing hours of anticipation his shift ends. Jeff quickly dons his heavy winter coat and scrambles out the gate, beaming the entire walk to the bookstore.

He arrives and nervously climbs to the second floor, greets Mrs. Millie (who is more giddy than usual) and heads straight for the classical literature section. Elise is not there. His heart sinks and his breath catches in his chest. His shoulders slump and he wanders over to his favorite chair to peer through a few books before he forces himself to return home. Stupid he thought. Why did I get my hopes up? Obviously she wouldn't be here. I am a fool. As Jeff sinks somberly into his over-sized chair he realizes he forgot to grab a book. He sighs and hoists himself from the chair a little more upbeat as he recalls the new WWII books Mrs. Millie had set aside for him should still be on the shelf. He turns into the aisle and notices her feet first.

He slowly looks up from the moccasins and follows the thin legs in navy blue tights up to the hem of a light purple dress that hugs all the right places of an athletic but shapely woman. He reaches the smile and sparkling green eyes and realizes this lovely figure is Elise.

"You came?!" Jeff says surprised. Laughing, Elise responds, "You didn't leave me much choice. Plus you have kind eyes and strong hands so I figured it wouldn't hurt to see you again." And there's that smile. Jeff strides toward her and...

(SLAP)

His cheek is on fire.

Shit, I feel asleep. Skyler is throwing their gear haphazardly into their packs. Jeff can't believe he dozed off. He's angry at himself, his cheek still stings, and he's grasping at the fleeting image of her smile. "I've been shaking you for ten minutes dude!" Skyler irritably states, "I had to slap you man. Get your gun, we're surrounded by at least eight." Shit. Shit. Shit. Why am I such an idiot, Jeff thinks while grabbing his rifle and surveying his surroundings. As he looks out of the treehouse Jeff spots...

(to be continued)

A Whole New Mind

Reading is a hobby of mine and recently I have been reading A Whole New Mind by Daniel H. Pink for a literature circle in my Assessment class this semester. (The book is a quick and easy read for anyone interested in how careers are catering more to the typical right-brain talents and more artsy side.) This week's assigned reading section had a portfolio of fun tasks you could do to improve or expand your knowledge of design and storytelling. One challenge really grabbed my attention and I decided to try it here. The task was to write a story/mini-saga in 50 words. Exactly. I decided to write about my journey to where I am currently at in my life. So here is my attempt:

Bright-eyed and overpowered by numerous ringlets, eight-year old Laura dreams of her future.

Years pass and she grows into her curls embodying their energy and bounce. She struggles through her shattered dreams and grows new visions from their wreckage.

Eight-year old Laura thrives inward, constantly encouraging her adult counterpart onward.

Inspiring Words

I have developed two theories about Jesus:

1. He laughs hysterically at my feeble attempts to function and greatly enjoys the multitude of awkward moments in my life with an ever present smile that resembles the same grin parents give precocious toddlers who think they are ready to conquer the world.

2. He constantly fights the urge to slam his head into a wall when he thinks about how frustrating I am due to my extreme faith in my own talents and abilities

Regardless of whether either one of these images is correct (although I'm rooting for #1) Jesus is consistently there and patiently guiding me along my path. My little sister Emma made her status this the other day:

You can't be something you're not. No matter how hard you try. But there is a reason for that. God made you who he wanted you to be. You are beautifully and individually made. You are YOU for a reason, now go change the world...your way, God's way.

This really stood out to me and brought my attention immediately to the sermon I had heard this past Sunday evening. (God knows I'm slow so he sends things/answers to prayers my way at least twice so I catch them) The speaker discussed Ephesians 2:1-10. It related to the sentiment my little sister expressed. The sentiment that God created each and everyone of us with a distinct purpose in mind and that alone makes us special. To really give you a vivd depiction of the passage I have included the scripture (adding my own emphasis) in its entirety below:

"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires in our thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions---it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him, in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith---and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God---not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

That last verse clearly defines my very purpose on this Earth. My name is written in the script! Worldly achievement doesn't make me somebody. I am somebody because Jesus loves me and there is no honor greater that can be bestowed. I am already in the script because God wrote the script and wrote my name in their with love. He chose the part for me that made the entire play better. Instead of envying the lead roles and wishing a place among the stars, I should delight that I was included in the production. Each role is significant whether the audience is aware of it or oblivious to it. My problem is my pride, I want credit and glory and that is only temporary. Instead I should focus on how to make the script better and play my part as best I can. Emma's thoughts and this sermon really reassured me that I do have purpose. I love when Jesus hits me over the head with some knowledge!

On a lighter, slightly not related note, I definitely gave Jesus a giggle this week. I was in the hallway of a local school preparing to teach a lesson to a fifth grade class and I chose to utilize the few extra minutes before I went into the classroom to use the restroom and double check that I looked appropriate and presentable (it was rainy and windy and the curls can get a little unruly sometimes). I immediately walked directly to my right and got halfway to the stalls when I noticed the man at the urinal. That was definitely out of place and I made a u-turn and ducked into the side with pinkish-red colored walls and prayed I had not been seen. I was just glad it wasn't a student and I didn't have to awkwardly explain that I am an imbecile quite frequently. Needless to say it was not the relaxing moment I had intended before approaching a class of ten year olds. Also, it must be noted that this is probably the fourth or fifth time I have marched directly into a men's restroom only to be surprised by the amount of urinals. Jesus had to have had a laugh at that moment.

So whether He is helping me navigate the maze that is life and fulfilling my purpose or a simpler task of finding the correct bathroom, he is always there and for that I am thankful. He keeps me focused on the main objective and is fun to be silly with on the way.

Cold Weather and Cold War Kids

Be Efficient and Integrate Basic Skills is the chapter heading in the book I should be reading for class tomorrow, but let's be honest writing is much more entertaining and writing as a form of procrastination is pure glory. So Routman and Language Arts can wait until tomorrow because the Cold War Kids refuse to be ignored. I recently downloaded several of their albums and "Skip the Charades" is a track that keeps on playing whenever I hit shuffle or hit up Pandora for sweet tune-age.

Cold weather was designed for Indie Rock. It offers a dreamy, melancholy vibe to accompany weaher that was meant for deep thought, snuggling up in a blanket, and slipping into a slight depression. A stanza from the aforementioned song snapped me out of studying to ponder life as I know it.

You dodged the bullet
You do your best when you're busiest
You're disconnected
You can't find your name in the script

These lyrics captured my attention because they aptly described my current state. I have always stayed incredibly busy to avoid the areas of my life that bum me out. I segment all aspects of my life and only connect with the ones that make me happy. I prefer to use the waffle analogy to better describe this sense of disconnect. When pouring syrup onto a waffle it sits neatly and separately in each square. This type of compartmentalization exists in me as it does in a syrupy waffle. I am completely disconnected from anything that makes me sad. It helps to keep busy because then I have less down time to think about areas that I have been avoiding.

I really have been feeling like a random character in this huge story of life with no relevance to the central plot. If I were included in the credits of a movie they would list me as Average Girl #23 and keep rolling. I am striving to find my purpose, my reason for existence, and I am struggling. I constantly feel as if I were floundering. I go through the motions and find happiness in the mundane, but part of me feels something is lacking, and I can't shut it up.

Weary is a great word to describe my current mentality. It has been twenty-five years of searching and my name is still missing from the script. I fade into the background and wonder how the lead characters must feel living out my dream roles. Relax, I am not depressed. I just want desperately to have the few simple things I long for: a teaching position that allows me to inspire students, a loving husband to snuggle and share sorrow with, my own children to drown in my abounding love, and a sense of purpose that lets me know I am making a difference. It is hard to feel impact-ful when I comde home to a stuffed animal and my unique gifts and talents are being used to make sandwiches. Frustration can't help but seep in and I begin to ponder where my life is headed and wonder if I will ever arrive.

Further into the song there is a lyric that says:

I'm the one that's acting like I'm so strong
You're the one that's acting like nothing's wrong

Can we skip the charades?
Just speak plain

I tend to act like everything is always hunky-dory (spelling?) and be the strong person who is never sad, tired, stressed, lonely, etc. That gets tiresome so I am using this post to speak plain and express my vulnerabilities. I am soaking up the solemn truths "Skip the Charades" has brought to life and going to bask in the melancholy for a few moments more. So I bid you goodbye and leave you with a slightly more uplifting song by The Features. Here are the lyrics to "Whatever Gets You By":

So here we are
It's like we never really left the start
Time heals the wound
But then there's still the scar
To remind us of the way it's meant to be

I'll sing a song
A melody for what has come and gone
Try to convince the choir to sing along
Here's to tomorrow
Or whatever gets you by
(emphasis added)

I Love a Good Fort

"SNOWBALL FIGHT!" Those were two of the best words growing up in Tennessee. Anyone who has been a resident of this lovely state can attest that those two words are beautiful because of their scarcity. We are lucky to experience any snowfall that is capable of supporting an epic snow battle. You need the perfect constitution of snow of snow to form a good snowball. If it isn't compact-able and breaks apart before you even rear back to throw, that is no beuno. And we have all felt the cold sting of a mostly ice snowball; it isn't pleasant.

Oh, but on those glorious days when the snow formed into the perfect circular shape and burst upon impact, life was good. After taking a few minutes to go crazy and run aimlessly through the yard pummeling all participants, it was time to strategize. I was brilliant and quickly assessed our backyard and deemed the two story fort the prime location for home base.

The fort was seated in the direct center of our backyard and 50 yards from the back property line. This provided a perfect vantage point for a full scale attack. Soldiers on the ground were helpless once I scaled the side of the fort to rest atop the roof. I bombed opponent after opponent as they dared approach my tower.

Cold war battles weren't the only reason I loved our fort. It was established in the spring of 1992. Our family arose early one morning and my dad took on the responsibility of foreman and construction worker and began barking his orders. I felt so unbelievably cool getting to hammer in nails and carry supplies up the ladder to my dad. At the time I thought he kept giving me these important tasks because I was crucial to the development of this masterpiece. As an adult, I realize that he was just keeping my eager and clumsy hands as far away from the actual construction as possible. Diddy erected the entire fort and Mom, Sarah, HB, and I pretended to help.

The layout was epic. Facing the fort you were met with a slide on the left and the ladder to the second level on the right of the main structure. In between the slide and ladder was the bottom level (a lemonade stand would grace the presence of that floor a few years later when Sarah and I started our not so lucrative business, but that is a different story). The top story had an opening out the back that connected with a net ladder leading to the ground. Extending out of the right side of the fort was a large beam that supported a tire swing. A hammock also hung from the right corner and attached to the tree nearby. Don't fret, the left side did not disappoint. A large beam extended from that side to support several swings. One was for babies, two were normal, and one was a seesaw-ish shape with handles. They were all a good time.

I loved that fort. There was no limit to imagination when playing on its structure. I could be a pirate sailing the seven seas, a dedicated mother tidying my home, a secret society member hosting meetings, etc. My sisters and I would pile all the leaves that had fallen at the base of the slide and it provided a fun landing pad. We leapt from the swing just as it reached the highest arc. And, because we were fearless, we climbed to the roof to show our heart. It also provided a great brooding place when I got sick of being in a house with five other personalities as lively as mine.

Time and weather slowly took effect and the fort became dilapidated. For safety reasons my dad decided to tear it down when I was a senior in high school. The backyard just wasn't the same. Now if I am home when it snows I am forced to duck for cover behind trees and brave the open field instead of annihilating my opponents from my lofty perch. Alas, I am no longer invincible.

The Night the Burglar Came to My Room

It was a typical evening in the Caylor household. Dad was at work finishing his rounds and Mom was getting us ready for bed. Bath time went smoothly and it was not until I went to put on my pj’s that things got crazy.

I ran down the hall (we had bath time in my parent’s bathroom) and flipped on the light to Sarah (younger sister) and mine’s room. I picked out a sweet set of jammies for the both of us and ran back to hang out with Mom while Sarah finished her bath. After Sarah was squeaky clean and in the pj’s I brought her we walked into the hallway.

Mom abruptly stopped and stared into our bedroom with a very concerning look of trepidation. It freaked me out a little bit at age four or five or six –obviously my memory is excellent—to see her look so frightened. Before I realized what was happening she had grabbed the butcher knife from our kitchen and was quizzing Sarah and I on whether or not we had left our bedroom light on in the most frantic of whispers. I sure was not going to tell the hysterical woman wielding the glistening knife that I was the culprit. I watched anxiously as Mom inched toward our doorway. A few steps before reaching the threshold she had a change of heart and dropped the knife back off at the kitchen on her way to dragging us barefoot down the gravel driveway to our neighbor’s the Michaelcheck’s.

The moments following are blurry and I don’t remember any distinct details. My memory picks back up with me standing at my parent’s feet and looking up at their, what seemed giant at the time, silhouettes. I remember my Dad had arrived by that point and the grown-ups were standing around about to call the police about the burglar. Now it all clicked and I realized that Mom thought the light was on from a burglar. I knew that the cops meant serious trouble and that I had better speak up even though I feared the worst kind of punishment was about to be brought down on my head. I meekly tugged at Dad’s coat, and if you know me you know I do not do anything meekly so this was highly out of character for me, and timidly confessed my guilt in a barely audible tone.

There was instant relief that our home remained criminal free, but that was immediately followed by anger at me wasting their time. I reasonably explained my hesitation due to the intimidating appearance Mom gave off when I thought I was going to be chopped to little pieces for forgetting to turn the light off upon exiting my bedroom. They understood but sternly lectured me all the same about the consequences of not owning up to things. Believe me I thoroughly learned my lesson that night. We trekked back to our house and I slept easy knowing that the giant butcher knife was sheathed.

One Day

I have to begin this post with a confession: I sneak into movies. There I said it. Now that that is out in the open you should know that I do this frequently. About once a month I treat myself to a Sunday Funday where I pay Carmike $5 and catch up on all the movies I couldn't coerce someone to go with me to. One day I challenged myself and prepared by bringing (I also sneak in food/drink...I'm a bad person, I'm aware) 4 Dr. Peppers, 2 chocolate items and 2 sweet items. I had a beverage and snack for each movie. If you are good at math then you realize I saw 4 movies back-to-back in one afternoon. I was kinda proud...don't judge.

Anywho, this past Sunday afternoon I decided to see "The Help" and "One Day" because my roommates saw it while I was out of town...sad day. "The Help" did not disappoint and I definitely teared up at several points. If you haven't read the book, you NEED to because the book is ALWAYS better than the movie and this film was great. I also lucked out because the 4pm show was sold out so I had to attend the 5pm show which left a considerable gap until the 9:45 showing of "One Day" and "Captain America" was the perfect filler. It was well made and I loved how it alluded to the era it was created in by being less dark than the most recent Batman series.

Now to the piece de resistance: "One Day" with adorable Anne Hathaway and dreamy Jim Sturgess. I now want, no need, to move to England so I can run into him on the regular. This movie was very sad and I loved it because it really made me think about life. The underlying theme is that of squandered moments. I don't want to give away the plot so I won't. After viewing the film my heart ached for all the moments that I too had squandered. I could really relate to the main character in the sense that he watched his life pass him by and felt remorse.

I am incredibly happy with the track that my life is currently on, but there are a lot of moments in the past where I have chosen poorly or thought only of the present. I think there is a lot to be said for living in the moment and it is joyous, but one should also have the future in the back of their minds.

The movie also made me think of my love life as any romantic movie will inevitably make a single lady do. I tend to fall head over heels for assholes. I like nice guys, I really do, but I can never seem to find one that actually has a pair. I am a really strong personality and the last thing I want to date is some guy that has no spine. Hence my attraction to jerks. The movie really made me consider how many great guys I have missed out on because I instantly wrote them off as a friend.

Here is to being more open minded and giving nice guys a chance. I am going to move away from the jerk with the devilish grin and start going for the man with the angelic heart. Who knows how it will work out. At the end of the day though, I won't have squandered any precious moments on someone who is inherently a not nice person.

Another plot point is that one day can make a dynamic difference in your future and life and I am looking forward to my one day and where it leads me!

Man's Best Friend

Today I donned my new bikini and headed out the front door for a relaxing afternoon of sipping Dr. Pepper poolside and catching some rays while listening to Adele. However, I was greeted with a loud clap of thunder the second my feet hit sidewalk. Instead of becoming less ghost-like I will have to settle for staying pasty and writing. I really like a short description I wrote aobut my Gram and Grandma's home at Kentucky Lake and I am going to attempt to vividly depict another story from my childhood. So bear with me ; D

Jenny:

I wanted desperately to name my second little sister Barbie, after all she was a great doll to play with and it was the perfect choice. Sadly my parents went with Hannah. I didn't hold a grudge and I gave them a second chance when my mom was pregnant with my third little sister. I went with a more conservative option, Jennifer, and was shot down yet again. Needless to say, I was beginning to question whether my guardians were capable of naming children after turning down two such obvious winners and whether I would ever get the joy of giving someone a name. Much to my chagrin, Emma (the one I wanted to be Jennifer), was the last child my parents decided to have. Now my dreams of naming someone/something were ruined after such a short run.

Just when I began to lose hope and focus my creative energy in other areas, we decided to buy a dog! It was a brown, short-haired dachshund and I was given the privilege of picking out her name. I could barely contain my excitement and instantly went to the name Jennifer, because that is a great name for a dog. My parents agreed that her Christian name would be Jennifer (finally they were seeing the light) and offered the suggestion that we call her Jenny for short. All in one fell swoop I had a new playmate, I was able to fulfill my dream of naming something, and I developed a love of nicknames. It was an epic day and the start of one of the best relationships I have ever had.

Jenny was resilient if you had to choose one word to most aptly define her. How she survived with four small girls who picked her up by her tail or neck frequently, flipped her upside down for kicks, laid on top of her as a pillow or played roughly with her I will never know. She once fell down an entire flight of stairs and was only out of commission for a mere moment. She was a trooper in the truest sense of the word.

Her tormented upbringing may be part of the reason why she trusted very few people and hated most. Why she loved and protected us four hooligans with her ferocious barking and vicious bite, I do not understand. From the beginning she watched over us and made sure no one got too close. In her nine year reign as plucker of our heartstrings she managed to bite a couple friends and attack damn near every one of them. You learned real quickly who liked dogs and who was terrified by the panic in their eyes when Jenny unleashed her yap.

Woe to those who never made it into Jenny's inner circle. Once on the inside it was magical. She could sense your mood and read what action was required from her to make you feel better. I am a very private person and anytime I was sad I would hide away in the living room so that my family wouldn't be able to find me (no one ever went in that room), but Jenny always knew. She would search me out and come snuggle with me until I had vented away all the pain and hurt. I was big spoon and she was little spoon.

All my secrets were locked away tight from everyone except Jenny. She was the only living being that knew everything about me and she loved me all the same. There is something unbelievably comforting about the presence of a pet. I know she couldn't comprehend the insecurities I shared or voice her anger at the people who had wronged me, but she could and did love and my life was better for having her be a part.

The last time I saw her she was three days dead and rigamortis had set in and it was one of the saddest moments in my life. I drove to Walmart and sobbed for 30 minutes straight. I felt like part of me was gone forever and I missed my best friend terribly. We painted a paw print on a stone step to place over her gravesite and planted a rose beside her resting place. Every time I visit my parent's house it is nice to see her rose still growing strong and think to all the fond moments we shared.

No particular big memory comes to mind, just all the little moments that added up to equal an inseparable bond. The threads that strung our lives together. For every night that we snuggled and I felt safe a thread developed. Each time that she sought me out and consoled me during a sad day created more threads. Walks at the park, romps in the yard, afternoons being lazy on the couch, rides in the car with the music up and the windows down, adventures in nearby neighborhoods and hunts for cheerios; all threads.

Chuck Norris eloquently depicts the sentiment I wish to express when he states, "More and more I was coming to realize that the rewarding part in life was the journey, not the destination." While she won't arrive with me at my destination, Jenny shared a large portion of my journey and I will always cherish her presence in my life. I hope that everyone gets the opportunity to experience having a travel buddy as wonderful as Jenny.

Art

Hi :D

Okay so I absolutely love art, but I'm pretty average (if even that) as far as skill level goes. I love painting, drawing, collages, etc. My favorite thing to draw is cartoons b/c I am better at them than anything else. I just felt like sharing a few of the things I've done, so enjoy:

Clearly, Spongebob is my favorite cartoon!! And the middle one is a collage I've done for my bedroom. Hope you enjoy!

Patience

God has a funny way of speaking to me when I get a tad bit whiny. Recently I have felt discouraged about love and have been complaining because I want a good man to share my life with and I seem to attract jerks consistently. That is just a brief backstory so you can understand that at 25, having just ended another relationship with the wrong guy, I am getting a little bored of looking for Mr. Right. With this mindset I have been throwing myself a small pity party and last Sunday night God reminded me of the things that really matter most.

I attend New Vision Baptist and I love Pastor Brady and his style of preaching. I highly recommend if you are interested in finding a church to visit this one. Plug out of the way, now onto the sermon that really struck a chord with me. Patience was the theme and this sermon was part of a larger series, Half of my Heart. The series is about giving God more than just part of us and what is easy and diving in fully. I love this concept and it is something I struggle with because I love to be in control.

Anywho, Brady mentioned a quote toward the end of the sermon, "People will either drive you crazy or drive you to the cross." I really like this because I think we have the opportunity to chose which direction we're heading. Patience is evidence of spiritual growth and a lack of patience reveals selfishness. Patience involves a change in perspective. These concepts ring a little blunt but true. I really love the idea of perspective and I believe that it greatly affects our individual outlooks on life. The closer we are to God the more understanding we will be and we will react more generously.

A few relevant bible verses that Brady listed are:

-John 15:4-6

-Proverbs 14:29

Max Lucado once said, "Patience is more than a virtue for long lines and slow waiters. Patience is the red carpet upon which God's grace approaches." Patience is a great moment to share about God's grace and love. People are used to those surrounding them being selfish and a bit self-absorbed, they will notice when someone displays patience. I think that you have to also be cautious to differentiate between being patient and being a pushover. I do not advocate letting someone walk all over you, but I do advocate being kinder.

I arrived at church Sunday night and laughed to myself when I read the sermon notes to see what the topic was. Anytime I get frustrated or discouraged, God sends me a message through a sermon, something I'm reading, an uplifting friend, or kindness from a stranger. He is always constant and realizing He is in control allows me to be more patient. Knowing that there is a plan and I can't see all the steps is hard for me to accept, but it means that even though I might not understand why I have to wait on certain things; God has a plan.

Whenever patience is considered it is only a matter of time before someone mentions Job. He lost everything, but remained patient and God rewarded him greatly. God rewards those who persevere. I obviously need to learn this lesson because patience and perseverance are the theme words of my life. James does an excellent job of explaining what patience achieves for us as followers. Everything always comes full circle and anytime patience is mentioned I think of my favorite quote by Mother Teresa, "Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything."

Limitless

Last night my friend RJ and I went and watched Limitless, starring Bradley Cooper, in theaters. It was a really good film and had several moments of hilarity (which was unexpected). As we drove home we contemplated what shape our lives would take if we could utilize more than 20 percent of our brains on a regular basis. Imagine the possibilities; the movie is aptly titled because they are truly limitless.

If I could tap into my brain's full potential, what would I do? I think I would first go to Vegas and use my newfound math skills to rack up lots of cash. Then I would use my new nest egg to start and build my own non-profit organization. I would be able to maximize efforts and use minimal amounts of donor funding. This would draw donors to my company and would effect major change globally. I would also give back to my family who has always been supportive. And I'd be a little bit selfish and travel the world.

As we continued talking about how great it would be, I began to think about a smaller scale. What if I could train my brain to use 21 percent or even just 20.3 percent? How much better would life be then? It wouldn't be drastic, but it could effect meaningful change on a smaller scale. A favorite bible story of mine is in Mark 12:41-44 when a beggar woman donates her last 2 coins to the offering plate. Jesus commends her because she gave what she had.

We wouldn't require NZT (name of drug in movie) if each individual gave a larger part of themselves or devoted more time to the betterment of society and humanity than squandering our talents on video games, blogs, television, etc. Not saying that distractions are evil and that we shouldn't enjoy some down time, but what if we took 3o minutes everyday and instead of using it to mind numbingly surf the internet, we devoted it to making ourselves smarter or helping others? I think we'd eventually be much happier and benefit numerous people.

All that to say, I have decided that after Lent ends (40 days where you give up simple pleasures to remember the sacrifice Jesus made in the desert and to rely more on God) I am going to attempt to improve myself. I haven't decided exactly how I am going to accomplish this task, but I am going to try new things, talk to people I would normally bypass, help people more, and just do other small things to make me and the world I live in a better place. Maybe I will eventually function at slightly higher than 20 percent brain power. Wish me luck!

Adele's newest album 21 is playing on my stereo which means that this is a good day. The sun is shining and I have been rather productive thus far. I find that my mood affects my drive to write and I only have the urge when I am in either a really great mood (which is the case most days and today) or in a horrible mood (but I cuss more when pissed so this is typically reserved for my private journal and not the blogosphere).

Lately I have been feeling really fortunate for all the things in my life and I feel like reflecting on how blessed I am. For those of you reading that are really close to me, you are aware that I was sick with a virus/gastritis/bronchitis/laryngitis for a solid month. I didn't realize how draining it was on me body and soul. This also happened to occur during my desperate search for a job. They say bad luck comes in spades and I believe this is also true for good luck.

A quote I really love is an Indian proverb that states, "When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." I think this quote is beautiful because it is during our darkest hour we see those pockets of light that litter the sky of our lives. I really cherish my friends and family who made me smile when I felt like crying. I also appreciate so much more all the wonderful seemingly insignificant moments of each day. Walking outside and basking in the sunlight is so much more valuable after being stuck inside. It is only after we have been in the darkness that we can fully appreciate the light (be it a glimmer or a beam). I am closer to God because I was forced to trust him when I couldn't control the situation. It is extremely frustrating for me to not have control especially on anything food related because I so love food! But God used this frustrating time to further prove his sustainability and constant and consistent presence in my life.

Now, I am fully functional again and completely content. I am healthy and able to eat without medicine or immediately puking afterwards. I have not one, but two, jobs. I love working at Newk's and I am really excited to start substitute teaching for the Rutherford County School System. God truly is good. I have an amazing family who always makes me laugh and I couldn't live without. This weekend, my precious nephew (Eli, who is now 10 months) took 3 to 4 steps towards me without help! :D Melts my heart. I am surrounded by hilarious and awesome friends! I would say life is good and Adele is capturing my mood perfectly.

Final Four Failure

Duke is out of the tournament this year. And yes, it took me this long to be able to state the previous sentence without a stream of tears running down my face. All jokes aside, I was a bit devastated that my beloved Blue Devils didn't even make the elite 8 this year. Alas, we will have to wait until a couple years from now when Curry and Irving are mature and the Plumlee Three are dynamic to dominate the tournament.

Since, my team is out I can focus my attention to other teams, who knew they were out there. As a Duke fan it is redundant for me to stress my hatred for North Carolina as anyone aware of basketball is aware of our intense rivalry. This rivalry is personal for me since my own mother is a Tar Heel fan. I am positive I must have been adopted and I am still awaiting the results of our blood tests. RJ (best friend for life) also feels this bitter betrayal by his own love and girlfriend, Tiffany. I am trying to like her in spite of her one blatant flaw, her love for a pathetic team. It is this intense hatred for Roy Williams and his team that led me to support another team that puts a funny taste in my mouth, Kentucky.

At least Calipari and his Wildcats chose a proper color of blue to don. I rooted for them against Ohio State because the Buckeyes win too often and as a recipient of hatred, based on winning records, I am qualified to dish out hatred for the same reason. After Ohio State's demise, I gladly rooted for Kentucky to embarrass the girliest looking blue I have ever seen. Now with only 4 teams remaining my temporary loyalty to Kentucky is holding true.

Butler I root to fail because of how close they came to snagging our Championship from us in last year's tournament and on principal alone they must go down. However, I abhor VCU due to their debasing victory over my Blue Devils in 2007. Their win was the reason that for the first time since 1996 my glorious team did not make it out of the first round action of the tourney. So I must pick Butler because I despise them a little bit less than the Rams.

UConn I could care less about one way or the other so I am picking Kentucky to defeat them. After Kentucky bypasses Kemba Walker and his Huskies they will move onto Butler and hopefully beat them as well. So this tournament has gone from one of hope to a lesser of evils sorts. As much as I don't want Burris and Bubster (best f'n friends for life) to have a victory and obtain their 8th Championship (giving them 5 more than Duke), I hate Butler more. Also, Burris has supported a losing franchise (The Cubs) for his entire life and deserves for one of his teams to do well.

At least I still have the Lakers to carry out my dreams of a ring this year. I am hopeful that we can three-peat! We have the talent as long as each member of our team steps up during the post season. My only worry is Gasol because he is a weak finisher during play-offs and I do not like having him play such an integral role on our squad. Kobe is fired up and I have seen the rat face more frequently as the season progresses, which is always a good sign. Phil should round off his career with an even 12 rings and my boo needs to start his ring collection on his other hand now. Oh basketball, how I love thee!

Patience Is a Virtue

If you have access to a computer (helpful hint: you do if you are reading this), then you have more than likely heard one of the many impressive Chuck Norris factoids. They are simple statements depicting the epic-ness that Mr. Norris epitomizes. I have a folder with the following fact: Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest. I believe Chuck to be even more amazing after completing his book, "Against All Odds," last year. Not only is he a fighting god, he is also pretty quote worthy. In his book, detailing the struggles he faced to obtain his current star status, he says something that really struck a chord with me. Chuck eloquently states, "More and more I was beginning to realize that the rewarding part of life is the journey, not the destination." This sentiment relates directly to my lifelong struggle with patience.

Patience is something I lack in great depths. I have often prayed to God in the past to give me more patience until I realized the methods He planned on using and have since then prayed less frequently for such fun times (Note the sarcasm here). Don't get me wrong, I definitely need to have more patience in my life and appreciate the results of perseverance. Sometimes I get distracted by the difficulty of the journey and get too focused on the destination. Chuck's quote resonated with me because the journey is the rewarding part and I took a long time to realize that truth.

Over the past two weeks I have been fairly sick with a virus and unable to be my normal, active self. This downtime has forced me to think more indepthly about my current state of affairs. As a little girl I just knew that at age twenty-five I would be happily married to a great man with my first child on the way. Now, at that same age, I am unmarried and child free. It is hard to watch a dream pass by without some remorse. Arthur Koestler puts it best, "Nothing is more sad than the death of an illusion." Although, I am not in my idyllic lifestyle I cannot be discouraged because the words of Chuck remain true. I have experienced so many wonderful moments that would not have been possible in my initial life plan. These experiences have also helped to better prepare me to be a better wife and mother in the future.

James is one of my favorite books of the Bible because it deals with patience as a theme of its first chapter. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything," James 1:2-4 summarizes what patience achieves. Another verse relative to this topic that I find encouraging is 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

I can't breach the topic of patience without mentioning my favorite quote of all time. Mother Teresa was a great woman and I really admire her. I try to live by her words, "Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything." I think the wise nun hit the nail on the head with that one. So with Chuck Norris on one shoulder and Mother Teresa on the other, I plan to enjoy the journey life brings. I might even gain a little patience along the way.

Joshua Radin

Obviously I am a tad bit obsessed with Joshua Radin and rightfully so, stop judging me. As proof for the validity of my adoration I am going to submit lyrics from his latest album because I love them and because I am bored. Both are very good reasons to blog. Also I am fully aware that literally no one reads this unless they are bored so I feel free to ramble and talk nonsensically because who's going to see it anyhow.

Ok, so last night I went to Joshua's concert and it was phenomenal. He was funny and his voice is just as magical in person. He also taught three school kids one of his songs and they joined him on stage during his show! So he's talented and kind. A lot of people know him for his more mellow songs, but his latest album is a great mix of upbeat and chill music. I don't really have too much to ramble on about, so I will let his lyrics speak for themselves. Below are my favorite lines from several of his songs new and old.

"Paperweight," that he sings with Schuyler Fisk is my all time favorite song and I love it in its entirety so I will let you do some work and look them up yourself!

So I crawl underneath my blanket

Where I can hide away, I know I can't take it

'Cause I see now, it's just one of those days

-One of Those Days

We are grown but cannot see

Lost our world of make believe

Simple times now seem so far

-We Are Okay

So let the wind blow

To wherever it says

We are supposed to go

I don't mind the wait, it's fine

As long as you know

It's the wait that could be the something

-Streetlight

Sun shines in the eyes of those who know how to leave the past behind

-We Are Only Getting Better

Everyone gets what they want too fast, these days

No one knows the way to make things last

-The Rock and the Tide

Alive tonight, the beauty is honestly blinding

So take a look around

Almost lost, we finally found the ones tonight

The ones with the light that keeps shining

We will never change

The way we are here

I like that we are kind of strange

So won't you stay near

-The Ones with the Light

And sometimes I need the light

To sleep alone on this weary night

-Wanted

"Brand New Day," is another song that I love the central message of so looks like you'll have to make an effort twice.

I enjoy Joshua Radin's lyrics because they're great to sing along with and is uplifting. His music is a kindred spirit during heartbreak and he also beautifully captures the sheer essence of love's delight. I just really love all his music and think you should listen to him!!

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Lately I have been really introspective and considering why I act the way I do and why I am prone to certain responses (particularly the atypical ones). I think all of life is filled with mystery and I am in constant wonder at the majesty of the world I live in and I believe that I will spend the remainder of my days in this same state. But why? Why am I usually happy and very optimistic and other people seem to mostly be pessimistic or negative? I know that genetics and circumstance play a role and cannot be ignored when arriving at the answer, but honestly, I believe that a majority of our happiness is determined by ourselves.

Sure, everyone has bad days and moments that smiling seems impossible. I am addressing the everyday outlook an individual possess's not the exceptions we all experience. It takes nothing to make me laugh and smile and that is because I choose to see the joy in all things. A sunny day is something to be admired and appreciated. Just the feeling of warmth from the sun's rays warms my spirit. I think the key to choosing happiness is first the conscious decision to want to be happy. I italicize want because I think some people enjoy the drama that misery brings and actually enjoy complaining.

After one opts to be a happy person, the rest is relatively simple. Take time to actually think about your life and how fortunate you are in comparison to anyone else. Compare your life right now to those affected by the Moscow or Arizona tragedies and already you are having a better day. Thinking rationally and taking a step back to see that in the scheme of things your struggle is usually minute compared with many others is helpful. Find joy in little moments throughout the day. When someone holds a door open for you, lets you ahead of them in the grocery line, smiles at you, or shows any kindness; don't brush it off and ignore it. Actually think about their deed and how nice it was of that person and you will feel happier because the world seems kinder in that moment.

Another way I find joy is by knowing my go to happiness creators. As I mentioned earlier, we all have bad days and moods and knowing how to curtail that blah mood is key. I know that listening to certain songs, watching youtube clips, going for a run, writing in my journal or calling certain family members always improves my mood. I choose when I am having a bad day to use the prior mentioned tools to get over my sadness.

Sometimes just taking five minutes to be pissed about the issue and then laughing at myself for how trivial it is, is all I need to wear a smile again. This speaks to the introspection I spoke of in the first paragraph. Knowing yourself allows you to sense if something is irritating you and know how to correct it before you blow up on the cashier or a random person. I really like helping others and giving out kindness into the universe. Making someone smile or laugh makes me feel better always.

Ever watch a group of children playing? They are filled with that innocent and genuine joy that a lot of adults seem to lose through struggles and hardships. I think that we all need to find that childlike wonder again. Go play on a playground, fly a kite or play hide-n-seek. I guarantee you will smile at some point, whether you want to or not. I have never lost that sense of wonder and often joke with friends that I am a five-year old at heart. I am content to watch the clouds pass by or stare at the stars. It may seem immature that at age twenty-five I still enjoy a good game of tag or red rover, but I don't care. Taking time to forget any worries I have and just play is how I stay so happy.

Obviously individuality is the key word here. Find what takes you away from your stress and leaves you with that sense of peace, which is the greatest joy, and make time for it in your day to day life. Stop worrying what other people think about you, and do what makes you happy (within reason and the law). Dance in your car, scream along with your favorite song, build a blanket fort in your living room, or anything that is silly. It's impossible not to laugh while doing these things. The choice is yours.

Stop postponing your happiness and just be happy. The decision is and always will be yours and no one can take away your joy unless you let them. Why waste your day mad over something that happened that morning. It doesn't change what happened it only ruins more of your day. Instead take a minute to change your mood and see how remarkably better your day is because you changed your attitude and outlook. I love Albert Einstein and so I leave you with a quote of his, "Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."

Music Is Magic

Hello World :D I have been going through a bit of a tough time lately and have felt kinda down (which if you know me well, is very rare) and in an effort to forget the blues I have been leaning on the one tried and true medium that always boosts my mood immediately. Yes, music is amazing and I don't think I could function without it!

I won't go into why I have had the blahs because I am somewhat private but this week has been hard. Just when I get frustrated or start to feel bummed, a song that perfectly captures my mood and provides inspiration and an uplifting tone starts to play and my smile is back with a vengeance.

Kate Voegle is my new favorite love! She has such a beautiful voice and I am forever grateful to my little sister, Emma, for introducing me to her. The song of hers I can't get out of my head is, "Unfair." The opening verse is:

The city sleeps

So silently

Wish I could say the same for me

But I've got this dead ended street

To keep searching

I just love this song so much! I feel somewhat like I've hit a brick wall on the job front and a little frustrated that my dream job isn't anxiously awaiting my arrival. Another artist that I really enjoy is Matthew West and his song, "History," which I will list the lyrics in their entirety because it is perfect for my current situation.

It's been a bad day, you've been looking back

And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back

All of your mistakes, a world of regrets

All of those moments you would rather forget

I know it's hard to believe

Let me refresh your memory

Chorus:

Yesterday is history

And history is miles away

So leave it all behind you

Let it always remind you of the day

The day that love made history

You know you can't stay right where you fell

The hardest part is forgiving yourself

But let's take a walk into today

And don't let your past get in the way

Would you believe that you are history

In the making, in the making

Every choice that you are making

Every step that you are taking

Every chain that you are breaking

History is in the making

Every word that you are saying

Every prayer that you are praying

Every chain that you are breaking

History is in the making

History is in the making

History is in the making

I like to think that Matthew West chose to repeat the last sentiment three to times to add emphasis that we are writing our histories as we go and that it is a constant action. We have the power to move forward and not stay where we fell. I love that concept. I am not defined by past mistakes or missteps. I am an evolving soul that always has room and the option to grow positively. This song is so encouraging for that reason.

Music has a way of putting words to emotions that allows us less creative individuals to still be expressive in an eloquent manner. I love how iTunes always knows the exact song to play for me at the moment and it is set to shuffle always for that very reason. So in essence, music is magical. I feel better instantaneously after listening to just a couple great songs. I encourage everyone to find their songs that immediately put them in a better mood and don't allow yourself to sulk too long. Although an occasional pout is good for everybody.

My instant mood pick up song currently is: "@!#?@!" by Motion City Soundtrack. It has foul language (hence the title) but it is just set to a great beat and the sentiment the lyrics convey is a dismissal of the negative people who merely offer discouragement in our lives. It's addictive to sing along with and I can't help but tap my toes a little bit while listening! Happy toe tapping!

Ramblings

Dork. That is what I am. I have many traits that qualify me in this category (sadly W.O.W. is not one of them) and they are evident on a pretty regular basis. One of the best is when I am alone and I smile or laugh aloud because I am truly happy and I would quite figuratively explode if I didn't at least grin. The problem is I still experience this when others are around and it looks a bit creepy to just be laughing to yourself or smiling uncontrollably without merit. I also frequently get the giggles at the most in-opportune moments. Last trip I took with my family, we all hopped onto an elevator and there was a lone soul directly across from me. I thought to myself how awkward it would be if I started laughing in that moment and proceeded to giggle for the next 7 floors. He look terrified and my family couldn't have been more embarrassed to get off on the same floor as me. I do things like this all the time. I guess awkward would be a better descriptor.

Silence. Not such a bad thing at the right time. However, in the middle of a conversation or when a group of people are hanging out and there is a lull in conversation, I go insane. I can't resist filling the void. I ramble on and on about the dumbest things and people tend to enjoy laughing at my awkward attempt to regale them so they talk not and force me to live in my own awkward prison for minutes at a time.

Obviously, if you've read any of my other posts or have ever met me, you are aware that I enjoy reading. That is pretty dorky in the time of technology and instant gratification. I can't help it. I love nothing more than the smell of an old book. I finally bought the Harry Potter series tonight after postponing shelling out that much dough for a series I've already read and seen all the movies of, but I am excited. I can't wait to finish re-reading the LOTR trilogy and begin re-reading Harry Potter.

Why I feel the urge to describe myself on this blog, I have no idea. I guess it is a way for me to express myself somewhat anonymously and I rarely share about myself to others. At least not the vulnerable parts about myself. Like the fact that I love writing dark, depressing poetry and that I can feel as low as my poems sound at times. Or that I am not as strong and bullet proof as I play. I view vulnerability and excessive emotion as weakness so I hide anytime I am hurt or upset because I don't want to be pathetic. It can get lonely to always listen and sympathize while my friends and family rarely see me cry or show insecurity.

Don't worry I also enjoy gleeful dorky things and I'm not all gloom. Like Wizards of Waverly Place. I know I am 25 and that show is one of my favorite shows. Also, SpongeBob Squarepants is seriously one of the best shows in the world and I went and saw the movie in theaters opening night. I have a life I swear.

I love music and especially songs you can sing and dance to and when no one is around I go wild and scream my lungs out and prance around my room. I could never let go of control and dance freely if anyone else was around. It's weird because I am not easily embarrassed but I would rather die than have anyone see me dance or try to appear sexy. I am able to do cute anytime, but I'm about as sexy as a turtle.

I guess if you were another turtle that could be pretty attractive and that will work for me, too. I just need to find myself another awkward turtle. Speaking of turtles, TMNT. Leonardo is the best and I will fight anyone who says differently. I have a stuffed Leo turtle that sits atop my bed and he is bad ass. I still sleep with a stuffed animal, so what.

When I tell a story I am unable to use my natural voice. I don't know why I change into a goofy voice, but anytime I am excited or telling a good story my voice goes to crazy mode and I don't even notice I'm doing it. I am a horrible texter because I think of a hundred different things to say and it takes me forever to type it all out. I wish that there was a way to dictate my response to my phone so that it would note sarcasm and clear up a lot of confusion anytime I text anyone. I spend most of my texts telling people it was just a joke or writing a lot of haha's or lol's to clarify the hilarity of my statement.

Rambling is a serious skill that I possess. I love to ramble and I am pretty freaking good at it in case this post didn't give you a clue. I am also great at thinking through several thoughts in my mind and spitting out the last one so that one second we are talking about basketball and the next minute I am asking you about whether or not you like marshmallows in your hot chocolate. With that being said, I bid you adieu and promise to withstand from rambling and blabbing about myself in every post.

I'll leave you with my favorite, and the greatest joke ever told:

What did the zero say to the eight?

0 to the 8

NICE BELT :D